Thank you for a good laugh @Majorchaos!
Sometimes it’s not so much about the distro, as it is an issue of the browser. And I apologize for missing out the navigation on text pages. You can cycle around the options with the TAB key and select with the Enter.
Before you throw out Zorin, how about you try a Chromium/Chrome-based browser without the tracking? I am thinking of Brave browser. You can easily install it via the script I prepared in the following post. Give it a shot and let me know how it goes. 